Re-recording.

With a metronome. It's easier for friends to play with my songs. That said, I have been so wrapped up in finishing a web site for a client, with my portfolio, with hand-sewing my own wedding dress and with wedding plans that I don't have the energy needed to record right now. It requires a concentration that I simply don't have. Once the the web site is done and the dress, I will be able to finish up the re-recording. I still play just about everyday because if I didn't, I'd be a wreck.

Had a weird dream last night. Something about JAE. I always want to get up and go play a gig somewhere after I dream of him. Had another dream a few weeks ago where I went to a club and there was a recording studio up on a second level. He was there chain-smoking and asked me to record one of my songs for him. I asked if there was a particular one, he said, "Anything! I want to take it back with me!" and I asked if there was a sepecific sort of guitar I could play. He said, "You don't need a fancy guitar! Just play the fucking song!" I woke up feeling really refreshed and feeling better about my music. Whenever he shows up in a dream, it's always about music and always about just PLAYING not over-thinking every little detail. Interesting...

I am making peace with the balancing a job-job and music. Just the way of the world, really. For most musicians. I can deal. And besides, once I have a job-job, I'll have money for...MORE EQUIPMENT! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fear.

It's ugly. It can cow us into believing that our dreams have no worth. It's dangerous stuff.

For the last month, I have been cowed. It's not that I don't think that I have the talent. I do. Well, some anyway. But sometimes I get so worried that I won't be able to find a snazzy, well-paying job, once I can actually work legally, that I think, "Oh I had better focus my energy on beefing up skills in a sector that I am dead sick of and am becoming less and less enchanted by everyday." By that I mean, web design.

I was in love with an idea of myself moving back to Paris, getting a design job not unlike the one I did in L.A., being one of those annoying bobo hipsters with her cool job and her cool clothes and blah blah blah. At first, it wasn't even design. I wanted to work at my friend's creative consulting and translating firm. She made it clear, finally, that she wouldn't hire me. That was a big let-down. I had pinned so many of my dreams, so much of myself on that job. When I didn't have that anymore, I was sure that I should go roaring back into the design world. I'd go freelance. Well, since January, every project I have worked on has gone belly-up for one reason or another. Meanwhile, every time I work on music and put it out there into the world, I get a lot of love. Why do I repeatedly refuse to listen to what the universe is telling me?

Fear.

Plain and simple.

This weekend, my fiancé was on eBay and he found a Squier (Fender P-Bass design) for a pittance. If the bidding stays that way, I may end up with it. And I certainly wouldn't grumble even if it does have a c-style neck (*grumble*). The more I have thought about having a bass again, the more I feel a circle completing. I love to write songs, and I love to play guitar and ukulele and just about any string instrument you throw at me. But I am a bassist first. I will always be a bassist first. The fear is subsiding as I realize I can sit in with people, I can do sessions again. I know it's not the best bass on earth. But it's a functional bass. I'd love to have one of John Entwistle's old sunburst p-basses or one of his lovely salmon pink ones, or even my old pre-CBS, solid body, delicious sunburst p-bass (which now lives in my brother's recording studio), I hunger after a real Fender P-bass. In due time, in due time. For now, all I need is something functional, one that's cheap enough that, if it gets stolen, I won't cry my eyes out..much. I have become completely smitten by the idea of having a bass again, playing again, joining together with the band.

I remember when I found out John Entwistle had died, my hands CRAVED a bass. Besides tears, my first response was to find one and play the hell out of it. I need one again. Badly.

I am making a commitment to my music. A re-commitment. It isn't an easy path. There is no garuntee that anything will grow from it other than my own personal happiness and satisfaction. But that's a start! I can't keep ignoring what I have seen to be true in my life. Music is my calling. It always has been. Not stardom, fame or money necessarily, but music. When I make music, I am happier and life goes well by and large. When I don't, I am miserable and everything falls to shit.

Which would you choose?

Basic Demo = Done.

I woke up the other morning with a lighter attitude toward the demo. I was insisting on having every song I wanted to put on an eventual album done on the demo. Big time denial of my musical reality. One of the songs requires a bunch of instruments I don't have, and, at this time, would be impossible for me to play live by myself. A big purpose of this demo is to get it into the hands of gig bookers and club/cafe/bar owners to give them a taste of what it is I do. Why put songs I cannot play live by myself on a demo to get gigs where I would be solo? I realized that if I held onto the idea of insisting on putting these two songs on the demo, I would never finish the demo. They were obstacles in this stage of the game. These two other songs are not forgotten and will go an eventual CD when I have more musical contacts and more money to record in a proper studio setting. So I finished up the last two tracks for a total of 12 numbers. 8 in French, 2 in English, and 2 in...strumentals. These need some polishing, a few aren't even finished, but as I listened to these 12 tracks on my iTunes, it all flowed just fine. Much better than I could have imagined.

My current houseguest has a law degree (totally forgot she had it), and she gave me some tips on copyright and Creative Commons and all that jazz, so as soon as I feel better about these recordings, I may put a few up on the Virb page for people to check out. She's a very good cheerleader, and, though I am very lucky to have a few great cheerleaders near and far, it never hurts to have more. Ego and fear being what they are.

One more session to go.

One more recording session and the very, very basic demos for my CD, Migration, will be finished. I need to re-record some bits that were less than spectacular, plus one more instrumental. Then comes the fleshing out. Some songs need more verses or a bridge or a solo. One needs to be rethought entirely, which is a little daunting. After I figure out which end is up, I will have to re-record everything while hoping that I don't get stuck in a loop. Once I have a demo I can live with, and maybe even be a little proud about, I'll start working up a live set so I can hit a stage if someone says yes to me.

An old friend is starting a new club in the 5th arrondissement in August, she says. So I have to be ready when I approach her about getting a weekly gig.

What's hard.

*Getting out of my own way.
*Believing that my music can be my career.
*Letting go of all the other crap I use to run away from my music.
*Believing anyone when they tell me I'm beautiful.
*Not trying to do every single thing every day all the time.
*Watching my sweet Wonder Corgi get old.
*Drinking enough water.
*Leaving the dishes in the sink.
*Not comparing myself to other people (I'm older than the Beatles were when they broke up! What have I done?)
*Believing I have inherent self-worth even when I don't get anything done.
*Being compassionate toward myself, and, therefore, truly compassionate toward others.
*Promoting my music and myself.
*Not looking for the net before I leap.

Blog Addict.

Actually not so much. But I do read a handful from time to time, and one of my favorites is at In The Attic, Rachel Fuller's contribution to the blogosphere.

One of the reasons I read it is that it's funny. Rachel is hilarious. I also read it because it's real, she doesn't hide herself much at all. She admits to being a TV junkie, to having self-esteem and self-image issues but without being maudlin about it, we're around the same age, and both musicians with muso backgrounds trying to make our way in the world of popular music. True, there are as many differences as similarities. My boyfriend isn't a rock icon. Nico and I are not wealthy. I cannot relate to some of her shopping posts because I have never been able to indulge in such things. But I don't slight her for it. She's being herself, and it's delightful.

She is really inspiring as an artist as well because she's so welcoming and nurturing to other musicians. No back-stabbing, no diva snottiness is to be found on her blog, but she's not above taking the piss and, frankly, some people need that to reconnect with their humility. Apparently, she's going to be getting a little place in Paris, I hope it isn't too forward or weird to hope that we might meet up for a chat about music one day. Odds are a gazillion to zero, but I'd love that.

One of her recent posts concerns body-image stuff, size zero and all that crap. I admit that I have problems myself in that department. I am stunned that someone much more visible than myself can be so open about them. It's inspiring. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I wonder will I ever be accepted just for my music and talent alone? Or will my other "merits" or lack thereof always stand in the way? I think of other women musicians/songwriters like Joni Mitchell, Amiee Mann, Lucinda Williams, I notice that they aren't objectified...Chrissie Hynde, there's another. I know it's possible. It's just so easy to get caught up in the bullshit. So much now is about how you look. Not so much the clothes (wasn't it always a little bit about the clothes?), but, for women, this obstacle goes underneath the clothes to the body. No matter what our brains and hearts create, no matter how well we sing, sometimes it's all about the measurements. Compare even some serious rock journalism articles one day. Read some about men and some about women. The ones about men don't focus much on what the person is wearing or what they look like, at least not these days. But the ones about women almost always include what she wore to the interview, whether or not she's lost or gained weight, as if that has the slightest thing to do with how a person writes or performs a song! This crap can keep talented women from opening up and doing what they love. It's sick.

I usually don't let it interfere with my music, though. Because it has nothing to do with it. It's when i think about performing that it bugs me. But when I was the cellist, the bassist, and not the front person, I didn't care. What is it about also being the singer that brings in the body-issue element? Why do I buy into this bullshit?

Feh.

Why is it so hard for me to do two, three, four or five things at once these days? Multi-tasking was once my fortissimo forte, I was really proud about my ability to seem like I had a few extra pairs of arms. These days, I feel completely fucking useless.

I am finishing up A Tribe Called Request -- two more songs to go, some Kinks and a tune from Pet Sounds. It's been really fun working on so many different types of songs, each one has been a challenge. I moved the recording set-up from the livingroom to the bedroom. Experimenting. Turns out, for some songs, the bedroom is too dead. So now I'm back out in the livingroom. More light, more room for air, less cramped -- much better for my back, too. I still have such a long way to go before I get a really decent sound. Sometimes, I hit it, but most times, not. Some days I have drive, sometimes I have no patience whatsoever. Those are the days to do something else. Knit or play Tiger Woods PGA Tour 07, read, draw. Anything but record, frankly. I have learned that patience is mandatory when recording. Without it, it's just torture for you and anyone else nearby. It was easy when all I had to do was sit at the board or play/sing. Doing both can be really aggravating sometimes.

Between working on those songs, I have been trying to work on my own demo for my CD, Migration. But I can't seem to get anywhere with my own music. Most sessions end in total frustration and wondering why I ever thought any of my songs were worth two shits. My finacé is wonderful during these ego crises. Lots of hugs. Lots of "Well, I like them" and "They get stuck in my head all the time!" Which is lovely to hear, but the artist in me isn't only satisfied by the approbation of others. Most of the time, I think, "Well, that's nice of you. Thanks. But it doesn't fit/work/express what I meant to express..." Some of my songs are good, and I like them. Those are in French. Any song I write in English, however, usually gets guillotined. I am never happy with them no matter what I do to change them. I have decided that I am going to wrap up the one project and then move to the next. I guess that's just how I operate.